I want to write a little about my understanding around Power and control. I have been in positions in my life where I have had to look at power and control for myself in connection to my addiction.I have been led to believe that I must eradicate all my powers and ‘hand them’ over to a power greater than me. Tiring -yes. I’ve also in my paid work over these past 20 years tried to help people identify how they have used power and control in their lives. Tiring -yes.
Here goes.
Power can be a survival tool used to exist in a self-threatening environment to avoid being taken advantage of by others. The power response is to go on the offensive, take a position of strength, take the lead, and direct others in the environment. This can lead to over responsibility and feeling overly concerned for everyone’s welfare. By taking the “power” role people try to ensure that others survive a threatening environment, but this exacts a major price emotionally, physically, and spiritually from them.
Control can be a survival tool used to exist in a threatening environment. The control response is to go on the defensive, and direct oneself so that it appears one is not being taken advantage of by another. It can also help one to exist in and maintain sanity in a confusing environment. This can lead to a position of being too “self-contained” and “self-directed.” The “over control” phenomenon can result when it becomes difficult to “let go” of control over self. This can result in never loosening up enough to accept direction from others, be they teachers, employers, spouses, or authorized authorities and leaders.
Power can be the mode of operation of people who believe that at one point in their lives they were taken advantage of, and that will never happen again. Actually, they are treating others in as poor a fashion as they believe they were treated in the past.
Control can be the mode of operation of one who believes that at one point in his life he was taken advantage of, and that will never happen again. By his emotional passivity he often incurs the wrath of others in his life who cannot break through the “guard all” shield.
Power is ensuring that people get their way, even if manipulation, conning, lying, deceit, and dishonesty need to be used. It may result in their eventually getting their way; it could also, however, result in their being exposed as people who would do anything to get things their way, ultimately losing all power. Control is ensuring that one continues to see life his way, even if he needs to use self-manipulation, self-conning, lying to self, self-deceit and dishonesty to self. It may result in the eventual maintenance of his own view of life; however, it could result in such deep self-deception that he no longer can perceive the difference between what is real and what is not real.
Beliefs of people utilizing emotional power
There is only one way for others in my life to think, feel or believe! My way!
I’ve got to get them to see things my way so they won’t take advantage of me!
If I am open to their point of view they will try to mislead me; I need to convert them to my way!
Dump on them before they dump on me!
If I keep them busy enough they’ll ignore me!
I will always have to pay an emotional price if I open myself up to others; keep them at an arm’s length!
It doesn’t matter how they feel or react as long as I maintain the emotional control in the meantime!
My feelings come first!
Take control of them before they take control of you!
Everyone is out to take advantage of everyone else, so the best defense is a good offense!
Beliefs of people utilizing emotional control
Don’t trust anyone with your feelings, beliefs, or thoughts!
Everyone is out to rape me emotionally!
If I lose my control there will be no sanity in my house (or on the job, etc.)!
It is important to maintain control over your feelings so that you don’t go insane!
Getting angry or losing your cool is bad for you!
Avoid conflict at all costs!
You should never let others know how their behavior or actions affect you!
There is only one way to survive a crazy environment, climb into your shell!
No one is ever going to get under my skin again!
I’ll never allow myself to get hurt again
What negative consequences result from overuse of power and control?
A. People who overuse power can:
Create a barrier between themselves and others, always being “one up” on the others.
Find their designated “underlings” resentful of being subjected to the “put down” of the power people.
Effect a revolt by those subjected to being ignored, blamed, accused, abused emotionally, neglected, or belittled.
Find it difficult to establish mature adult relationships.
Become socially isolated, often being seen as egotistical, obnoxious, poor sports, and as people who want things only their way.
Be oblivious to the nonverbal feedback from others, isolating themselves all the more.
Believe that they are the center of their universe, eventually becoming so caught up in this belief that they have a distorted perception of reality. They work hard at instituting this perception in their sphere of influence, be it in a relationship, family, social group, at work, or in the community.
Believe that they are all knowing, infallible, all powerful, lacking the common sense to avoid problems, issues, or conflicts outside of their level of competence. Eventually they experience a setback or downfall that can precipitate a crisis of major proportion.
Develop a list of opponents or competitors whose major role in life is to bring about the downfall of the power person. Through chronic competition for control, chronic fights and arguments, the power person’s effectiveness and efficiency is hurt until, having little or no energy left to continue battling for control, the power person gives up.
Become so busy defending themselves from others that they eventually lose contact with their own feelings and experience a sense of disassociation from themselves.
B. Over-controlling people can:
Become anxious working for anyone except for themselves, because they are experienced in maintaining control in their early family lives in order to survive a chaotic environment, finding it difficult to accept direction from others later.
Keep their feelings hidden so well and for so long that others become frustrated leading to the others rejecting, becoming angry with, fighting with, attacking, nagging, and complaining to them.
By their passivity, affect those people in their lives who take a more active, open, emotional, and verbal role in life. This can eventually lead to the controlling people being made the object of scorn, being blamed for all problems, being misjudged as to their intentions, being misunderstood, and being seen as the “sick” persons.
Find it hard to understand other’s reactions to their behavior. They often get confused about the behavior addressed at them, becoming overly sensitive to this feedback or become so insensitive that they avoid, reject, or ignore others.
Get themselves into trouble because of their need to avoid conflict, avoid disapproving situations, and avoid taking risks. The others in their lives respond opposite to the wishes of the controlling people. This results in increased conflict, increased disapproval, or the need to take new risks to resolve the problems.
Become quiet or silent when arguments arise. This silence typically arouses the anger of the others who desire dialogue or confrontation. This can arouse a greater conflict than what the original issue deserves.
Become the target of attacks from others for their lack of sharing, lack of openness, lack of communication, lack of emotional awareness, lack of warmth and caring, lack of support, and lack of response. These attacks usually succeed in convincing the controlling people that they were correct in controlling their lives, and they escape deeper into their shells.
Be so self-protective that they become social isolates, incapable of connecting with anyone in their lives.
Be so caught up in denial that they are unable to solve problems. They lack the social competence and skills necessary to confront problems; therefore, they become overwhelmed by the very troubles which they deny exist.
Be so defensive that it is impossible to have a mature adult relationship with them. They often give the others in their lives so much power over themselves that they are in a permanent “one down” position.
Phew!!
I want to write some feelings I have around myself in connection to power and control and codependency however I think I’ve ‘gone on’ enough for now. I’ll save that for my next post.
Peace and love and understanding and chance to all.
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Power and control
I want to write a little about my understanding around Power and control. I have been in positions in my life where I have had to look at power and control for myself in connection to my addiction.I have been led to believe that I must eradicate all my powers and ‘hand them’ over to a power greater than me. Tiring -yes. I’ve also in my paid work over these past 20 years tried to help people identify how they have used power and control in their lives. Tiring -yes.
Here goes.
Power can be a survival tool used to exist in a self-threatening environment to avoid being taken advantage of by others. The power response is to go on the offensive, take a position of strength, take the lead, and direct others in the environment. This can lead to over responsibility and feeling overly concerned for everyone’s welfare. By taking the “power” role people try to ensure that others survive a threatening environment, but this exacts a major price emotionally, physically, and spiritually from them.
Control can be a survival tool used to exist in a threatening environment. The control response is to go on the defensive, and direct oneself so that it appears one is not being taken advantage of by another. It can also help one to exist in and maintain sanity in a confusing environment. This can lead to a position of being too “self-contained” and “self-directed.” The “over control” phenomenon can result when it becomes difficult to “let go” of control over self. This can result in never loosening up enough to accept direction from others, be they teachers, employers, spouses, or authorized authorities and leaders.
Power can be the mode of operation of people who believe that at one point in their lives they were taken advantage of, and that will never happen again. Actually, they are treating others in as poor a fashion as they believe they were treated in the past.
Control can be the mode of operation of one who believes that at one point in his life he was taken advantage of, and that will never happen again. By his emotional passivity he often incurs the wrath of others in his life who cannot break through the “guard all” shield.
Power is ensuring that people get their way, even if manipulation, conning, lying, deceit, and dishonesty need to be used. It may result in their eventually getting their way; it could also, however, result in their being exposed as people who would do anything to get things their way, ultimately losing all power. Control is ensuring that one continues to see life his way, even if he needs to use self-manipulation, self-conning, lying to self, self-deceit and dishonesty to self. It may result in the eventual maintenance of his own view of life; however, it could result in such deep self-deception that he no longer can perceive the difference between what is real and what is not real.
Beliefs of people utilizing emotional power
There is only one way for others in my life to think, feel or believe! My way!
I’ve got to get them to see things my way so they won’t take advantage of me!
If I am open to their point of view they will try to mislead me; I need to convert them to my way!
Dump on them before they dump on me!
If I keep them busy enough they’ll ignore me!
I will always have to pay an emotional price if I open myself up to others; keep them at an arm’s length!
It doesn’t matter how they feel or react as long as I maintain the emotional control in the meantime!
My feelings come first!
Take control of them before they take control of you!
Everyone is out to take advantage of everyone else, so the best defense is a good offense!
Beliefs of people utilizing emotional control
Don’t trust anyone with your feelings, beliefs, or thoughts!
Everyone is out to rape me emotionally!
If I lose my control there will be no sanity in my house (or on the job, etc.)!
It is important to maintain control over your feelings so that you don’t go insane!
Getting angry or losing your cool is bad for you!
Avoid conflict at all costs!
You should never let others know how their behavior or actions affect you!
There is only one way to survive a crazy environment, climb into your shell!
No one is ever going to get under my skin again!
I’ll never allow myself to get hurt again
What negative consequences result from overuse of power and control?
A. People who overuse power can:
Create a barrier between themselves and others, always being “one up” on the others.
Find their designated “underlings” resentful of being subjected to the “put down” of the power people.
Effect a revolt by those subjected to being ignored, blamed, accused, abused emotionally, neglected, or belittled.
Find it difficult to establish mature adult relationships.
Become socially isolated, often being seen as egotistical, obnoxious, poor sports, and as people who want things only their way.
Be oblivious to the nonverbal feedback from others, isolating themselves all the more.
Believe that they are the center of their universe, eventually becoming so caught up in this belief that they have a distorted perception of reality. They work hard at instituting this perception in their sphere of influence, be it in a relationship, family, social group, at work, or in the community.
Believe that they are all knowing, infallible, all powerful, lacking the common sense to avoid problems, issues, or conflicts outside of their level of competence. Eventually they experience a setback or downfall that can precipitate a crisis of major proportion.
Develop a list of opponents or competitors whose major role in life is to bring about the downfall of the power person. Through chronic competition for control, chronic fights and arguments, the power person’s effectiveness and efficiency is hurt until, having little or no energy left to continue battling for control, the power person gives up.
Become so busy defending themselves from others that they eventually lose contact with their own feelings and experience a sense of disassociation from themselves.
B. Over-controlling people can:
Become anxious working for anyone except for themselves, because they are experienced in maintaining control in their early family lives in order to survive a chaotic environment, finding it difficult to accept direction from others later.
Keep their feelings hidden so well and for so long that others become frustrated leading to the others rejecting, becoming angry with, fighting with, attacking, nagging, and complaining to them.
By their passivity, affect those people in their lives who take a more active, open, emotional, and verbal role in life. This can eventually lead to the controlling people being made the object of scorn, being blamed for all problems, being misjudged as to their intentions, being misunderstood, and being seen as the “sick” persons.
Find it hard to understand other’s reactions to their behavior. They often get confused about the behavior addressed at them, becoming overly sensitive to this feedback or become so insensitive that they avoid, reject, or ignore others.
Get themselves into trouble because of their need to avoid conflict, avoid disapproving situations, and avoid taking risks. The others in their lives respond opposite to the wishes of the controlling people. This results in increased conflict, increased disapproval, or the need to take new risks to resolve the problems.
Become quiet or silent when arguments arise. This silence typically arouses the anger of the others who desire dialogue or confrontation. This can arouse a greater conflict than what the original issue deserves.
Become the target of attacks from others for their lack of sharing, lack of openness, lack of communication, lack of emotional awareness, lack of warmth and caring, lack of support, and lack of response. These attacks usually succeed in convincing the controlling people that they were correct in controlling their lives, and they escape deeper into their shells.
Be so self-protective that they become social isolates, incapable of connecting with anyone in their lives.
Be so caught up in denial that they are unable to solve problems. They lack the social competence and skills necessary to confront problems; therefore, they become overwhelmed by the very troubles which they deny exist.
Be so defensive that it is impossible to have a mature adult relationship with them. They often give the others in their lives so much power over themselves that they are in a permanent “one down” position.
Phew!!
I want to write some feelings I have around myself in connection to power and control and codependency however I think I’ve ‘gone on’ enough for now. I’ll save that for my next post.
Peace and love and understanding and chance to all.