‘Outta my Head & Outta Blog world’
Outta Outta My Head & Outta Blog World.
Well!!!
This line came out of my mouth/hands whilst replying to a blog friends post on Christmas Card Exchange’s.I ecxhanged cards with writerchic/Annie and told her it’s the first time I have done that in blog world. She told me we never did it in blog world. 
Oh Yer!!! We did it outta blog world.
I kinda liked the ‘Outta Blog World’ title for a post and told her,she told me to run with it so here goes……
I did say ‘Outta My Head’ would be an easy post to post. I’ll try to incorperate the two shall I.
I don’t write stories and I find it very hard to try to. HEY!! maybe I could learn. My friends can write stories and they can incorperate themselves and feelings into their stories, I kinda just get stuck with/in the feelings. I don’t have a story.
I’m not very good with blogs and my own posts, I seem to be a bit more alert and apt with my replys to people weather it be by email’s, forums or the odd blog here and there.
I’ve been thinking about stopping wtiting on this blog for a while now. I’ve been writing here now for 6 months.Most of my blog life/writing as been around my recovery, illness and the deaths of my parents. I think. I’ve wrote a lot whilst in lots of pain. Seem’s to be a form of release for me.
Sat here writing has given me some sort of release. I’d been writing all my life really but only for a few years on this computer I haven’t made many friends in ‘Blog World’ I quess I have been a bit wary around putting myself about the internet.
When the Recovery Site I was a member of closed I said to myself I didn’t want to find another cyber family and I haven’t.I was a bit hurt. The pain has eased. We were all a bit hurt. It happen’s.
‘Outta Blog World’ means to me that It’s time to take myself ‘Outta Blog World’ & ‘Outta My Head’
I have been trying over these past months to get myself out of the house and ‘Outta My Head’ and I have to say, I have only been out of the house since July the two year annivasary of my Mum’s death and oppurtunitys and people ( new people ) have been flooding in.
I even got attracted to a man. Unfortunatly he’s not attracted to me. BUT!! That was all good and what was better was that I didn’t get all obsessed, well maybe just a little, it was pleasurable. I can and am letting him go. I don’t want to though. I quess he was just one of those liddle cataylist.I wanted him to be for real.I quess he was for a night.However a night’s no good to me. I need more than one night, this girl’s got a lot of catching up to do.
I was and am so grateful for that one night tho. Something shifted in me.Spending time with him and feeling some sort of chemistry kinda made me realise or confirmed what I need and have needed for so long. I want him. No-one elese will do. I don’t know what to do about it. I quess if he doesn’t like me, he doesn’t like me does he.
‘Outta Blog World’ means to me that maybe it’s time to stop writing and start living, start to get ‘Outta My Head ‘. I know we all write for different reason’s but my writing has and continues to be unproductive/productive ,however the the positive’s have outweighed the negatives. My writing has been a real inner journey.I find the writing of oneself can be quite obsessive. I have covered so much ground this past few years. I wish I had know how to copy and paste when I was a member of the reccovery site. I never saved all my writing’s there. My twelve step teachings have dictated I write loads about ME over the years. I’ve kinda have enough.
This blog has totally been about me. I don’t think I’ve advertised anything, I don’t think I’ve even talked about anything other than me. I’ve not even talked about my kids to much. I need to move on now. I really do have an ‘All Me’ blog
My life has been quite solitry ‘In Blog world’ I don’t really feel part of anything so I quess I don’t have anything to loose eh!!. A few people have made comments.In the beginning Nora, then Annie,Molly Sarah & Green and a few other comments.
I quess I’ve been to scared to feel part of ‘anything’.
So!!!
I’m Taking myself ‘Outta my Head’and’Outta blog World’ and am going to practice LIVING.I have been know to write my life away - as It has been pointed out to me.
I will be back to write. I might start to write stories or I could surf the net looking for intresting stuff to copy and paste. I’ll see. Maybe I’ll start a new blog in a new name an be all anonoymous and secretive. I could even reinvent myself.
WOW!! That might me fun. Hehe!! I might go for the spanking. Ha!! I’ve got a bit of a thing about Corpral Punishment. Well actually my friend has. It’s her thing.
I’m just making some changes. I had this planned. This is not some scatty decision I have come up with. I knew around the two years of my Dad’s death which was yesterday by the way that my writing format had to change. I actually think it has.
Love,love ,love to all
Thanks Annie.
Smiles&Hugs.
Thanks for eveyone that made comments here. Much appreicated.
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OMG!!
Maybe the man is attracted to me. He’s asked me over to his place for dinner. He asked me what I wanted to eat.
I said
“Probably you”.
Naughty arn’t I. hehe!!
I’m a bit scared coupled with ecxitement.
OMG!!!
ARGH!!!
duskydi - January 7, 2008 at 9:57 am
I’ve been practicing living away from my computer and barely writing anything.
I don’t know if I like it to tell you the truth. Yes, I’ve met some great people,I always do when I make the effort to ‘get out’. Yes, I met a man, I would have rather have not as I speak. He hurt me or I hurt me…….. I don’t now.
OH!!!!!!
It’s all a bit shabby.
duskydi - February 14, 2008 at 5:55 am
No No No!!!!
Nothings shabby. Things are just as they are. Life’s worth living and I’m having a great time. I quess I wouldn’t change anything. I kinda learn loads from those sharp stabbing pains in my heart. I’m not to keen on them tho. They hurt.
Pesky stabs.
SMILING.
I’m still on with my mission’ Outta Blog World and Outta My Head’
duskydi - February 15, 2008 at 10:47 pm
Let me just come back to this.
I’ve talked at little about my experience with attraction ‘Outta blog World and Outta my Head”Outta Blog World and my Head here means to me….
I’ve experienced a part of living and feeling and practiced attractiuon/lust/ecxitment/pleasure/confusion/longing/obsession and I’ve been okey really. I’m so pleased I had the ‘nice’ expereince.
It gave me an head ache tho and I managed to be real scatty and loose quite a lot of my possession’s in various places and at various times. Yes! I’ve expereinced how wierd I can go. Ha!! I kinda knew I had that potential. Hehe!!
For me If I had not got myself out of my own head and ‘outta my blog/writing my life away life’ I wouldn’t have expereinced this. I’d still be sat here wondering…..
It’s nice to have met someone and to know that it’s not ment to be that he is the person with who I shall share a bit of myself with for a bit but to know that he will be a good friend. He’s lovely and so I am .I hope he can and does have the same respect for me as I have for him. I quess he probably won’t have, the reality is we hardly know each other.
NO! thats so wrong of me to say that. aww!! I think he will have a similar respect.
AND!!!!
This poor man. See!! he representered so much for me in a way……..OH!! I’m not going there, thats for a different day.
Phew!!! never knew I was going to write all that.It’s not even Sunrise. It’s Sunday T. Time. The reason I say that is because my writing flows at sunrise. I don’t think, I just let what ever comes come. Quite risky really. Smiling.
I don’t really like experiencing ‘Outta my Head’ in the scatty way I have. Loosing everything.Not being focased. Just with the little things.Attraction to a man unbalanced me, being physical unbalanced me . I think I need to be ‘In my Head’. It’s cheaper if we’re talking finanical expense.
Phew!!!!
Huge Smiles.
duskydi - March 2, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Reading this back I’m saying all the right things to myself and believing them to I have to say but……
I REALLY LIKE THIS MAN.
I really didn’t want to try to let him go. I don’t even know him, I was just getting to know him. He’s kinda one of those people that I wanted to tell lots of things to. I’m glad I never although I told him some stuff. Ha!! It’s always the ‘bad’ stuff I tell people first. I kinda get ‘it’ out of the way I think. I think I’m better off keeping my mouth shut.It puts people off me before they get given the chance to get to know me.
HEY HO!!
He was lovely and gave me a lot to think about. Well I gave myself a lot to think about around him. He was lovely to dream about. I can’t dream anymore tho, cause…..It’s beginning to hurt.
I think I’m better
‘IN BLOG WORLD AND IN MY HEAD’ And there we have another title for a post.
duskydi - March 6, 2008 at 5:32 am
No!!
I’me still going to get out of my own head and out of blog world as much as I can.
This litle experience that I have had with this man has unsettled me somewhat. I really could have done with meeting someone who wanted me.Who wanted to be close to me. I can’t do sex with out being close to someone.I can’t do sex without some form of attatchment. I can’t. I thought I could and was willing to try, More than willing.
It didn’t work. I felt and feel pretty empty.ell it did work then it all went wierd.
Meeting someone who I wanted to share a bit of myself with was so BIG. for me .I’m not one of those people can that easily be in and out of realonships. Well this wasn’t a relationship was it.It was sex.
I wanted it to carry on , I wanted it to get comftable. I wanted to freely express my desire for another huma being.
I think I wanted to stay in bed with this man all year. Well maybe not weekends as he does his own thing.
You know… I’ve been questioning what I want from this man. You know the only thing I want. I just want him to want me that’s all. I feel that everything elese would fit into place if the want from both parties were intact.
I feel a bit defleated.I wanted this man more than I’ve wanted anyone in my life.
I’ll get over it. I just hope it doesn’t take another sixteen years to feel attracted, sexualy attracted to a person. I’m gonna be to old then. I already feel I’ve misses my sexual prime.
That makes me feel bit sad. I do have quite a lot to give. I’m thiking maybe a bit to much.Unfortunatly he doesn’t want me. I don’t blame him for that, I just hate him for that. (kidding). I can be a bit loop the loop at times. Actually it would be a bit undfair to know how I can be to ecxpet someone to fall for me.
Awww!! I shouldn’t have said that. I am a pretty cool person I think. Lets just say I don’t feel or look like the majourity of my middle aged friends. centailny don’t act like it.
Anyway….I’ll feel very fortunate if I feel like this agian around a man. Hopefully this little interlude will have shitted someting in me and I may fingers crossed fell attracted to another person. Bloody took me sixteen years to feel attracted to this person.
I don’t want to feel atracted to another person, I just want him. BUt if it’s not to be it’s no to be is it.
I really do only want what I want tho. I could have a life of luxury if so choose. Financialy luxury. I don’t choose it. I don’t want it. I only what I want.
However sometimes you just got to accept that you can’t have it. I find it a little bit difficult to accept stuff but I know if I don’t there’s nought nor surer I’ll be in pain.
A wondering Diane
duskydi - March 26, 2008 at 10:08 am
Fuck it……
I’ll just become a Millanairess ( there I’ve said the word ).I’ve never said that word on this blog before – I’ve always skirted round the issue.
I could be with my friend of ten years who absoutly adores me and would marry me tomorrow. Yes! I’d be one of those people who is the ‘M’ word.
Do you know having that option over the years has really fucked me up. So sorry for swearing. I’ve been wanting to write this story for so long now. I daren’t tho.I have mentioned it a bit but no way in it’s entirety.
I daren’t write it all down. There’s three situation that I never talk about and this is one of them.
I don’t want to be a ‘M’ and I don’t want to be with some-one I don’t want to be with although this person is one of my best friends.I don’t want to marry. If I was going to be with this man I would have been with him and married him years ago.
You know..It’s a fucker of a choice to be burdened with. For a long time now I’ve been so lonley,desolate, hopless and skint. If I choose to be with this particular man nothing would change I just wouldn’t be skint and for sure I’d feel the above feelings ten times worse.
I find myself daydreaming a lot of being in love, loving some-one and the love is returned. I do.
Money doesn’t do it for me where feelings are concerned. Works for me in different ways, Hehe!!!
I might just stay in blog world you know and in my head. I feel safe sat here but then I go absoutly stir crazy. Maybe I will just have to acept that Me, Diane is not ment to be have that special man.
HEY HO!!
It’s a world isin’t.
duskydi - March 28, 2008 at 6:00 am
OH NO!!
I’m guttered I’ve just used the ‘M’ word. You see with me and writing, once I’ve wrote or said someting out load, I have to look at it. I don’t know why i’m like that. Ha!! Well yes I do years of the 12 step programming taught me to daily take moral and personal inventorys.
OH!!
I’m not going to go there ,I’m not ready yet and may never be and that’s okey isin’t.
ARGH!!!
OH NO!!! I hate talking about money. I hate money. Well no I don’t. I hate the choices I have.So I choose not to choice. Hehe!! But it’s in my head sometimes if you know what I mean.
Aww!! I so shouldn’t use the word hate. It’s an awful word. Sorry. Just all that shit confuses the hell out of me tho. I think I’m better off living just that little bit reclusive.
smiles.
Di.
duskydi - March 28, 2008 at 6:21 am
I feel like the fairy in the picture I have put here. She’s labelled the ‘Dark Fairy’.I don’t see or feel her to be dark.She’s just taking a little rain wondering walk in the woods. She may be a bit lost.
I’m sorry for talking unnecessarily about men on this post, This post so was’nt ment to be about what I’ve been talking about here.
This post was about me stopping writing. I was smiling to myself as I read back that I have experienced excititment, confusion, obsession, pleasure etc, etc, out of my blog/writing my life away world. Haha!!! Well !! Truth is I experienced all this in blog world.
I got side tracked ( again ) with this post and it’s transformed into something totally different to my original thread. I think.
Outta Blog world and outta my head means today….
Moving away from writing and other bits and bats I do on this computer and start on house maintance.
I have made quite a bit of progress in that area over this past week. Hurray!! At last.Made a junk room into a nearly beautiful parlour.
I love making things beautiful out of nothing.Let’s forget about the men and the feelings and situation’s I have just talked about. That’s just life isin’t. I’m just going to try to concentrate of making my home beautiful,
I may write about my progress. Hey!! I could buy a new camera – nup! not managed to get it together to buy one yet and I could take before and after pictures.
Right!!!
Have I got the energy for all this. Urmm!! It’s debatable. I have moments of energy. That’s about it. I start something an never finish it. I run out of energy..
I have wrote a list and am prepared to pay a work man to come and do the bulk of the work. I need to prepare it tho.
Let work commence.
Smiles
Di
duskydi - March 28, 2008 at 8:36 pm
I’m smiling here. I have experienced so many feelings in my computer life with friends. Yes!! So I quess nothing was new there really.
Right!!!
Let work commence. I have workmen in. Not for the list I prepered for the inside jobs.
OH NO!!
Diane decides she will transform her back yard. Wish I could have got one job finished really. Thats every single part of my home now in uproar.
You wanna see all this mess, concrete,rumble,big machine’s, Indian flags, so beautiful, and big strong men.
Aww!! It’s one of their birthday’s today I thoguth we could have a little luch time party.
I’m having a stone circle layed. It was so funny yesterday, I kept stopping the men and wanting to say something special on each stone as it got layed.
SO YER!!!
True to form, never managed to get one thing finished and started on such a big job which included’s paying money out. I dislike that so much. I have such a thing about money ya know.
I could have it all payed for in a flash, a phone call. EVERYTHING, inside and out but I choose not to. I want to do the work myself but can’t manage it.That’s why this house has been like this for the past 5 years.
I am however letting my friend help me with some of the cost. Yes!! I am. He wants to and I will accept some help with gratitude.I’m letting him help me pay the work men.
Thank you my little money elf.
OH!!!!!!
It’s a world. I’m really going to try to stay focased and try to at least finish one room or now finish my out door beautiful living space.It was beautiful before anyway.
Right!!
Better put the kettle on.Work men arriving.
duskydi - April 3, 2008 at 7:58 am
And!!
Do you know what I’m going to stop doing. Intermingling my posts and writing. Hehe!! I’m smiling ay myself here. I’ve said I was stopping writing but what I’ve done is just stoppped posting new posts.
I’ve been still writing, have to say – a bit more really.I’ve been making comments on all the posts that have been viewed.
Anyway…I’m not stopping writing, I’m stopping being so absoloute. I wrote that some where the other day and thought YES!! that’s it. I’m stopping being so bloody absoloute with everything. My thinking. Smiling
Di.
duskydi - April 4, 2008 at 12:54 am
OH No !
This post has been viewed and I’ve read it back. You know, I can’t believe some of the stuff that comes out of my mouth, I honestly can’t.
It’s not funny – I’m sat here cringing.
I don’t make much sense do I and seemingly I don’t mind sharing this non – sense I have with the world. What am I like.
Smiles
Diane
duskydi - May 29, 2008 at 6:02 pm
You know…
I bet people who read this think I’m a right old grumpy bitch. Ha!! I a sometimes but I have to say for the most part of my life today I’m quite jolly and peaceful. Fuck ! It took a while to get here. I have to say I have my moments tho.
One thing about me is : Ha! Here I go again, I do address my ‘(issues) my stuff. I take inventory of my day and all that consist’s in it daily. That’s my 12 step programming. Drives me nut’s at times but I’ve got so much awarness from my experiences of that form of recovery so I can’t complain.
I do go absoutly fucking bonkers tho with my thought processes.
You know…
I don’t think I’m fit to have a boyfriend.I think I’d drive some-one to the brink of despair, stuff that I seem to want to talk about and the depth that I go.
HA!!
Maybe if I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t have to talk. I could just sit there looking all beautiful and feeling all nice.
OH!!
I wish I could do casual sex like all my mates who don’t have boyfriends do. NO ! NO ! NO ! I take that wish right back right now. Casual sex is just instant gratifacation isin’t. I can’t do that sex, I’d rather just have sex with myself.
I think what’s going on for me with all this new found attraction and wanting to find my special person is :
My son is now 16 and in my head for all these years I’ve been saying when Jack’s sixteen I’ll think about me. My kids have never seen me in a relationhip nor have my closest friends, how wierd is that.
RIGHT !!
Who’s going to be my boyfriend then? Ha! I sound like a 13 year old don’t I. You bettter be nice and very passionate, very loving, very funny, very giving ( to everyone we meet ) but only giving your love and passion to ME.
AND!!
I’ll probably only want to see you three days a week, but we can have the most beautiful three days a week every week. How’s that grab you. Smiling. We have to have lots of sex in the three days to. Ar ! I better shut up now.
Any takers. hehe!! Kidding.
Good Morning world.
Di X
duskydi - July 10, 2008 at 6:58 am
I think I’m going to write a post on sex and orgasm’s. Do you think I’m allowed to talk so personaly ?
Working a 12 step programme and working in 12 step communities has got me to talking about sex a lot. One to one, in groups and to myself.
As we know the 12 step programme dictate’s you go through every aspect of yourself, your life, feelings, thoughts, situatuion’s circumstances. The lot.
In step 1 and step 4 you look at different aspects of power and control. Sex and relationships come into play a lot here. Working in the Man’s prison in the 12 step re-ab was a very unusual situation for me. Talking and listening to men and their issues around sex. I’ve listen to lot’s of stories of rape and abuse.
In a really wierd, strange sort of way sitting in groups of men and listening to them trying to sort each other out, listening to them talk about the women they had raped got me through my own rape.
I don’t want to talk about that story today. I was raped by two men in Mexico. I’ll tell the story one day as it was just amazing how I coped with it. It may help some-one elese eh!!
What am I talking about, hold on let me scroll back up and have a read. I’m well wierd with my writing I just let it flow and don’t really know what comes out till I read it back.
OH YES!!
HAHA!!
Sex and orgasms. Right… I’m going to let my writing flow soon around that little topic that creeps in for me and I have to say it’s been creeping in so much just recently.
Sex and Smiles
Di X
You see…
I think I’m ready now to be in a loving, fullfilling sexual relationship with another person other than myself, Hehe!!! Seventeen years without hardly any sex and no relationship. Don’t get me wrong tons of love and ton’s of friends.
BUT !
I’ve just held back so much in my sex life – you’ve no idea. I share so much about me – again my 12 step programming, I share more than my friends do or should I say I share myself in a different way to my freinds.
I’ve had sex with two people this past two years a man and a woman, Yup ! A woman. I’m going to talk about it soon but not today.
Love,love,love keep sharing it.
XX
duskydi - July 13, 2008 at 6:20 am
Do you know what…..
For you that read lot that may read me and have been on my journey with me you’ll understand my feelings on recovery. The 12 step recovery.
I took abstinence to far.
OKEY!! Abstain from all mood altering sunstances and alchol,but I don’t know why I abstained from men and sex to. I’m a really passionate woman and I’m not even ugly. HAHA!!
I have to say though abstinance and celabicy has given me so much internaly. All that lust and desire that doesn’t get expressed sexualy goes in on its self and goes to a different place. It gives you an energy and vitality that only those who have experieneced abstinance and celibacy understands.
HEY!!
I wonder if I’m one of them there enlightened beings. I am actually beginning to wonder that.
RIGHT!
I’m going to either make all my years of abstinance work for me and gather the energy and life I have achieved from that way of being and go and sit on a mountain and meditate for the rest of my life. ALONE
OR!!
I might become a slag.
HEhe!
duskydi - July 13, 2008 at 6:40 am
Can I not just meet one person to love me and for me to love them – even if it’s only for a week.
Right !
Who ever you are that’s going to meet me and connect with me, your gonna love me – so just know that right.
I’m not going to be able to express myself sexualy with you with out love. I’ve got to much to give, something that I’ve never given to any-one before and I’m only going to give it to someone who loves me.
I’ve held on to something which has become so precious to me. SO SPECIAL AND SO PRECIOUS.
And do you know what.. I’ve got to this point in my life now where I only want to ever share it with just one person.
Yes !
An orgasm.
I’ve never shared that with anyone yet. I don’t know weather it’s my catholic up bringing or wot !
BUT !
I really only do want to give that to just one person. Am I wierd ? Am I selfish ? Am I controlling ? Am I selling myself short ?
Yes !
I quess I am.
But in my romantic head, how special is that going to be for me and the person who falls in love with me, for me to be able to give that to just him..
Aww!!
I want to cry. X
duskydi - July 13, 2008 at 7:05 am
Listen….
I’m no way a desperate woman – honest.
I FEEL SO VERY BEAUTIFUL, VERY SPECIAL AND SO VERY PRIVALAGE THAT I HAVE HELD ONTO SOMETHING THAT IS SO CHERISHABLE.
You know….
I MAY NEVER GIVE THAT AWAY.
duskydi - July 13, 2008 at 7:45 am
OH NO !!
I’m on a role.
Can I tell you a little story world.A couple of years ago I met a man on this 12 step recovery site I was a member off. It was so different to anything that I have ever experienced. Not that I have experienced much in my sex life. So intense
We became friends, then became lovers by emails. OMG ! I wish I had saved all those emails. I daren’t tho. To sexy. It got that much for me I had to fly to Texas for a week to meet him.
Has anyone ever had sex by writing it. It was so powerful for me. I was madly obsessed with my 12 step programming and it was ALL WRONG.
I meet this man in Texas and we stayed in a shack in the desert for a week. We went to 12 step meetings every day ( Thank god for meetings at that time ).
I did a main share in a woman’s meting, I’m so proud of myself for that. These American women loved me and I loved them.
I’m mad obsessed by cults and the tatics of mind control and wanted to experience how the American’s work the programme. I was also 10 miles from WACO and was so intrested with what went on.
Anyway..
I made love with this man in the way we did. It was hard for me and I could only do what I could do. Unfortunatly our love making through emails was 100% more powerful for me.
This man was blown away by my passion and tenderness. He couldn’t speak for most of our time together. I made him write in a book every day or when ever the mood took him and I wrote back to him in this book. I have the book. It’s so beautiful.
Just me,him, this book and meetings in the friggin desert. WOW!! thinking about it. What an experience.
He wrote so beautiful about the love he had for me , he wrote me the most beautiful poetry. It was a very hard week for me, Instantly when I actualy met this man face to face I knew I had ziltch attraction.
It was so hard for him to say goodbye to me. I knew it was goodbye for ever for me. He got stuck in all the hurt, longing,lust,desire and love. He hurt so much, I felt so bad.
Over the past couple of years he has written me the odd lovely poem and email. I’ve not responded with to much love as I didn’t want to encourage or hurt him more than he was hurting. I had to ask him to stop emailing me for a while for him to overcome his pain, I tried to be as respectful as possible. I was respectful.
I have a lot of people who over the years have had alot of love for me and I’ve done nothing but respect that beauty.
Last week…..
Please excuse me. I’m in bits here.I’m sobbing. I got an email of him telling me he had been really sick and has lung cancer and doesn’t have long to live. He wanted to tell me before I found out he’d died from a 12 step recovery member thro an eamil. OMG ! The email was so beautiful.
OMG !!
He told me that I’d taught him that he was a lovable person and that he could give and recieve love today. Something that he had never been able to do in his whole life.He told me I was the most beautiful person who had ever been in his life who had respected him. He told me I taught him how to love.
OH!
I’m sobbing here. We’ve wrote to each other a few times this week. I have his book of love. Our writings to each other.His book of poems and I’ve told him I will get them published for me and for him some how.
He doesn’t have long to live this life and I feel so privalage that I gave this man a little bit of me. I was looking for love, still am and although I never found what I desire I found a love that I could share with a man who is now going to die feeling love.
HOW BEAUTIFUL IS THAT.
BO. I will put all your poetry on my blog darling.
OH !!
It’s a world isin’t.
X For Bo.
duskydi - July 13, 2008 at 8:42 am
Sobbing…sobbing….sobbing….
BUT !
There beautiful tears.
Bo told me :
‘Diane we cry so the raindrops don’t feel out of place.’
I went to a festival last weekend Bo. It was raining a lot and I told so many peple what you told me.
Aww!!
duskydi - July 13, 2008 at 8:48 am
OMG !!
Thinking about it.. You’ve no idea what my blog/computer life has been like as far as recovery and addiction goes.
Really crying – What’s up with me. I have a story I’d like to tell but can’t tell it. To upset.
It involves myself, my friend Nora a woman called Cathy.
My friend and I talked, loved and supportted Cathy in our recovery chat room as she made the decision to turn off her son’s life support machine.
I was here in England Uk, Nora was in New York America and I don’t know where in the world Cathy was. She was in the hospital somewhere with her son.
I’ll tell the story one day.
OMG !
I’m in fucking bits here.
BUT !
OH ! I don’t know what to say. I really don’t know what to say. I better go and smoke and drink some coffee.
duskydi - July 13, 2008 at 9:21 am
I’ve been so very upset today, not sad, very tearful, very feeling and just wondering what had gone off and on- right and wrong with my computer life. My blog life
For this past year I have been quite solitry in blog life, in my computer life with others. I’ve been more personaly writing really, for myself – to myself on this blog.
This is the blog which I just kinda ramble to myself on.
I don’t know if I can tell the story I would like to tell. Would it be allowed do you think ? I’d love to tell it, for Me, for Nora for Cathy and for Michael, Cathy’s son.
But something inside me tells me to use a bit more of my integrity – Can I just say, what an intense few days I had with that situation.
What I will say is : Michael’s favourite song was Saitsfy my soul Bob Marley.
My on-line recovery dominated my life for a few years. The stuff I wrote about, the stuff I talked about, the love that was shared, the support that was given, the understanding that was present and the joy of this unusual gift was magnificant.
SO INTENSE FOR ME THO.
I would wake at 3 in the morning, It was 10 at night in America and I would support and love any situation that got presentered to me on our recovery site.
I had service, by service I mean I made a committment to serve that site. My position was the hugger. The job description of the hugger was to make people feel welcome, loved and cared for. Thats not hard for me to do.To give people a hug when needed.
I had a great hugging programme with some great hugs to give people.
Come 8 in the morning – time to get my son up for school , I had been up for five hours helping, supporting, caring and loving hundreds of people – and people helped, supported and loved me to.
What a truly special, magical experience that was. In my heart and soul forever. It wore me out eventually. The site closed and I never went back to giving my service and commiting to on-line recovery on a recovery site.
I still recover on-line but in a very different way today. This blog is part of my recovery.
Let me just tell you….
I’ve had some pretty intense conversations on-line, like the one I have nearly just told the story about.I’ve expereinced friends dying that I’d never met.
I’ve actualy experienced quite a lot of pain on-line.
duskydi - July 14, 2008 at 12:32 am
Oh Shit Man !
This post has been viewed. I hope it’s only by Annie.
It’s a bit strange for me with a few of my posts where I speak so very personaly,I have a few posts which are life savers for me this being one of them. I make commens more or less every time they get viewed. Well not every time.
You never know how intensly people follow your feelings and your writing, you see my writing is not really writing, it’s my feelings on a blog. I don’t write. No way am I a writer.
But !!
I must be some sort of writer. Look at all those words. Fucking words – I hate them ( kidding ).
If you been following this post you’ll see earlier on when I was talking about money and having the option to be a very wealthy woman – You’ll read there that I said there are three things I’ve never spoken about.
Well !!
I’ve actually spoken about all three on this post.
Phew !!
Well done me Aw !! I love me. Smiling. Sometimes it takes a while for ’stuff’ to come out for me, it’s usually the real important stuff. I’ll write the storys about the three topics when I’ve got over the fact that I’ve managed to write them down. Actually it’s not the writing of ’stuff’ down that works for me, it does work but what works differently is the sharing of the ’stuff’.
Thank – you to the really special ladies in my life that inspire and influence and encourage me. I don’t think they actually know what they do – I don’t think I do but what I do know is that something magical is happening.
Something magical happens every day, I love beautiful, special happenings.
Keep sharing the love it makes for a nicer day..
duskydi - July 18, 2008 at 7:19 am
Hi to who ever viewed this post.
Can I just talk to you a little please. I don’t know if it’s the same person who puts Dark Fairy in the search to find this post – somehow I have a feeling it is.
I don’t know who you are though and I’ve spoken about some real personal stuff on this posts some stuff that I’ve never spoken about.
I don’t actually know what I want to say to you but I think whats pretty apparant here with this post and me is that I’ve been very true and real and so very personal.
I think what I want to say is : Please respect my honesty here. Thank – you.
Diane
duskydi - August 22, 2008 at 1:25 am