A Blogger Blagger, Bearing No Blogroll.

I’d like to tell you a little story.
My friend writer chic did a questioner thingy.

By did a questioner thingy I mean. She devised some brilliant questions around the differences between male and female bloggers.

You see.

She’s very clever, she’s very funny, very warm and giving in all sorts of little ways and big massive ways to.

I love my friendship with Annie.I felt a connection instantly through her pictures. I couldn’t read her words at first, she was far to intellegent for me. I was so stuck in my recovery and 12 step programming that I found it so hard to read or concentrate on anything other than addiction and recovery and myself.Totally self obsessed.

Anyway !!

These are the some of the question’s – the short versions that I managed to answer. I had to shorten the questions to understand them. These women are real fucking clever you know. I’m not. Smiling.

Listen !!

I wonder If I can learn how to put a link from her site to here.

This was the e maill I sent to Annie.
 

 
1. What do you believe is the difference between men and women bloggers.
 
My answer to that is I don’t know. I have a man that comments on my posts sometimes. One on love and one on suffering. WE connected with those two posts. I thought she was female until not very long ago. She’s actually male. We’ve spoken really quite deeply as us bloggers do. How wierd is that and what does that tell you about me, what does that tell me about me. I don’t know. Hehe!!
 

 
3. When I started blogging did I have a particular effect or impact I wanted to create.

Now..

What do we mean by blogging. I think I’m a blogger blagger. Hehe!! I can’t call myself a blogger, I would feel fraudulant.

My blog today is more like a personal journal I share with the world. It’s where I wake up and sit and ramble on to myself. Quite risky really. I write all the posts and write all the comments to. On one of my co-dependancy posts, I’ve wrote something like 80 comments. That post has actually saved my life.
 
My computer writing and connecting to people through technoligy began  a few years years ago now. I became a member of a recovery site for addiction and alcholism, myself being an addict or having a drug dependancy – what ever way you want to look at it. My work, when I work it’s with addiction. It wasn’t hard for me to interact around this given subject.
 
I think mostly the imapct I wanted to create was to openly share myself in order for others to identify ceratin aspects of their behavious and thought processes in order to recover from addiction. It’s kinda what we do in that 12 step world of recovery.

Recovery is not easy and from my heart I know if you can find just one person who you feel comftable with and feel none judged you may make it.
 
I wanted peope to make it to. I wanted ME to make it. So.. Yes ! I didn’t want people to die. I wanted people to know you can still have a life and have a life away from the 12 step recovery process to.
 
4. Regardless of whatever effect you set out to create by blogging, do you feel you’ve had as inpact by being a female blogger.
 
A little story here.
 
I kinda fell into some sort of obsession with a male on our recovery site. We became friends them lovers by email. It was like I was experiencing having a secret affair away from the recovery site. It was wierd and so passionate and powerful.

So intense. It got to much for me and I found myself flying to Texas to meet him. Has anyone ever had sex by writing about it. It was so powerful for me. I was madly obsessed with my 12 step programming in such a glorious fashion and it was ‘ALL WRONG’
 
I fly to Texas to meet this man. I kinda thought- Dallas and film stars. I was flying into Dallas.My friends went beserk at me. So worried for me. I didn’t have a worry in the world. I’m a driven woman and I want what I want. I wanted him and I went to any lengths.
 
Well !!
 
I meet this man. OH! Instantly – no attraction, all that lust and pasion I felt left me.

OH NO !!

I thought what am I going to do. What is he going to do ?
 
Well his sister drives us from the airport to a little shack in the desert. Then left us. No transport. 2o miles away from anywhere.
 
I was near Waco and me being madly obsessed at that time with mind control and cults I was so very intrested to see where all the drama went on and talk to people who wanted to talk.
 
In this little place in the desert there was an AA meeting every night. I thank god for meetings at that time. I did a main share in a woman’s meeting which I’m so proud of. The American women loved me and I loved them, we had such fun. I was on a role I was loving it. I was showing off. Hehe!!
 
Anyway – I made love with this man in the way I could. It was so hard for me but I felt that I ‘Had to’. Making the love through email was 100% more powerful for me.
 
This man was blown away by my passion and tenderness. He couldn’t speak for the most of our time together. He wanted to watch me. Sit and watch me sing and dance and potter about. It was strange.
 
I had my writing book with me. I knew I would need that. Smiling. I asked him if he would like to write in the book, We would write page to page about love and beauty and differernt feelings.He wrote so beautifully about the love he had for me.
 
Just me, him, this book, and meetings in the desert in Texas for a whole week. I never saw any of Texas. WOW!! What an experience thinking about it. I took a real risk you know.
 
He hurt so much, knowing we just had that one week. He wanted me forever. It was so hard for him. He was heart broken. I tried to be as respectful as I could. I managed to stay in contact very briefly with this man over the years and have been very honest with him.
 
Anyway….

A few weeks ago. I got an email of him telling me he had lung cancer and didn’t have long to live. He wated to tell me and didn’t want me to find out through an email by some-one elese from the 12 step recovery network that he had died.
 
Sobbing..sobbing here.
 
He told me I taught him that he was a lovable person and that he was worth love. He thanked me for showing him love and told me it was down to me that he could die feeling loved.
 
OMG !!

I’m crying here. We’ve wrote to each other a few times this week. I have his book of love for me and his poetry and I’ve told him I will for sure publish them, Maybe on my blog eh!! He doesn’t have long to live, I feel privalaged that I gave this man some of my love and I gave him the oppurtunity to express some of his love, by expressing it to me, he expresed it to himself. I found a love a could share with a man who is now going to die feeling love.

How beautiful is that.
 
I did however take a risk and had some many feelings to deal with on my return. I came home alive though. You never know do you

I was loking for love. I still am. I thank God I managed to experience this wonderful oppurtunity. I take risks. I am a bit of a risk taker..
 
OMG !!

I’m ramberling. What have I just talked about ? Thinking about it, you’ve no idea what my blog life and computer life around recovery and addiction has been like for me.
 
I’m upset here. I have a story.
It invloves blogging again but a bit differently again.
 
My friend and I supported a lady for two days in a hospital room with her son, who was in a terrible car accident. We talked to her for two days.She said we gave her the courage and the strength she needed for her to turn of his life support machine.
 
We gave her our love and our life for a few days. I was coming out with the most stupid stuff – you’ve no idea. What do you do in a situation like that. I want to tell the story but I need to use a bit more of my intergity here. Can I just say that Michael, thats the name of her son, can I just tell you his favourite song was ‘ Satisfy my soul’ Bob Marley. I played it constantly for her for two days.
 
I was here in England Uk  my friend in America and this woman in a hospital somewhere in the world.

OH!!
 
I’m just sat here now just wondering whats gone on and off and right and wrong with my blog life.
 
For the past year I have been quite solitry in blog life with otheres. I think I’ve needed to be on my own. ( a bit ) I’ve been more personaly writing for me to me.
 
My on-line recovery dominated my life for a few years. The stuff that I wrote about, the stuff that I talked about, the love that was shared, the support that was given, the understanding that was present and the joy of this unusual gift was magnificant and taught me so very much about me.
 
SO INTENSE THOUGH !
 
I would wake at three in the morning, it was ten in America and I would love, care and support any situation that got presentered to me on the recovery site.
 
I had service, by service I mean i had a job, I had made a commitment to serve the site. My position , my job was the hugger. The description of the hugger was to make people feel comftable with in the site and to give hugs. To welcome people. Thats not hard for me to do. It wa sa great job. To give people a hug when needed. I had a great hugging programme with all these great unusual hugs.
 
I was often late geting my son up for school. I was to busy caring for people, hugging people and involved with pretty intenese chat. Come eight when it’s time for him to get up I had been awake for five hours, caring for people.
 
What a truly magical expereince that was, embeded in my heart and soul for ever.It wore me out eventually.The site closed and I never went back to on-line recovery.
 
I still recover on-line. My blog is my recovery.

Let me just tell you I’ve had some pretty intense conversations in blog world. I’ve experienced frinds dying who I have never met. I’ve experienced quite a lot of pain in blog world. It was hard yet so beautiful.
 
Phew!!
 
What was the question again. Ha!! OMG ! I’m rambeling. I don’t think this will be the stuff your looking for dear Annie but it’s the only stuff I have. I’ve just wittered on here, thats what I do, I don’t write, I’m not a blogger really.
 
Annie, I’m I doing allright ? I thought I’d struggle with these questions. I told you I was a blogger blagger Annie. I don’t even have a friggin blog roll. I did try tho but it never happened.
 
Maybe my blog life had had to be quite solitry for a while. It was so nice to come here to writer chics AKA Annie’s blog when I found her. I found her through Rubyshooz. I just used to come here and look at her pictures. I never really read that much, I thought that she was far to intellegent for me. I never made a comment, but when I did start to engage a bit she made me smile.
 
I started to leave a few here and there comments and I began to interact again, just a littler bit.  It wasn’t intense for me.
 
I have to say the inpact from one woman blogger  gave me the strength and will to want to live again. I daren’t write to much about her, She’ll go mad at me. I want to though. I’d like to one day. I’ll have to ask for her permission first tho.
 
I need a fag and a drink of coffee now – shit – what time is it. Hehe!!
 
Love Di XX

That was the eamil I wrote to Annie and thats how I answered the questions. I have actualy posted some of this story on one of my posts, so please excuse any reader who reads this and gets bored.

 

Thank You Dear annie.  Writer Chic.

 

Smiles and loads of niceness and a special hug for..

 

(((( Annie and her friends ))))

 

Can I give a real special one for one person please.

 

(((( Maureen ))) aww!!