Coming to the end of my smoking life.

 

OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING !!

By default actualy – but not by default when you look at a power which is far greater than you working with you along side you.

Rather than ramble the sunrise this morning, I got on my bike and went and took pictures of the sunrise. It was so beautiful.

The bike is not actualy mine and I have a sneaky feeling that there’s something suspect about it. It appeared in my back yard about 6 weeks ago now, by a friend of my son.

The reason I got on it was to go the the all night garage coz I’d run out of tabacco. So strange that I should run out of tabacco TODAY. I never even realized I was running short.

I think thee’s some sort of conspiricy theroy going on here.

I have a lung disease, emphysemea and bronciectist which got diagnosed in Febuary after a Lung Scan. I have to give up smoking if I want to live for a bit longer than a couple of years.

On recieving this news, I very peacefuly, very calmy and very readily wanted to die. No way was I even prepared to even visualize my life with out smoking in it.

Writing, smoking and drinking coffee are my survival tactic’s. Some may find that a bit strange – but not that strange when you look at the grand scheme of things.

I won’t bore you blog, but I have wrote about my condition and my feelings – some of them. The post is title …Urm ! I can’t remember. I have a few posts.

‘Emphyesema and smoking’ and ‘lung disease guttered’. Those two posts give you and me the most information of whats going on for me concerning my health.

ANYWAY !!

The point I’m making here is :

FUCKING FUNNY, I should run out of tabacco today. I bought shitloads in on recieving the news of my not to clever lungs. – so much smoking material you’ve no idea. I have this glorious extreme way about me sometimes, generaly when I’m terrified.

The reason why it’s so strage that I should run out of tabacco this morning is :

I go to the doctor’s in a few hours to discuss my appoitments with the NO SMOKING CLINIC. yes ! I’ve been three times now and we have decided I start to take this very recent medication to stop smoking- to help me.

The medication is called Champex. I know it’s not to great to put loads of shit in your system, I know that beyond belief, Yup ! My years of abstinence taught me that my natural resorces are quite powerful and WORK.

Today the reality is my lungs need help.I don’t think or feel me and my natural resources are enough for me to help my lungs with all this smoking carry on. I’ve been smoking since I was nine and not just tabacco.

My point here is : Fucking funny I should run out of tabacco this morning as I go to the doctors and possibly pick the medication up.

Listen…

I’ve got to go because I’ve got to smoke myself stupid before the appoitment with the doctor.

The reality is.

I was a desperate fucked up malfunctional twat who was prepared to risk commiting a criminal offence ( that bike I rode may be stolen – I don’t know ) to cycle to the garage for tabacco – so I could sit, write and smoke. Never mind Oh what a beautiful morning Diane. Hehe!!

Can you believe that this garage was not a 24 hour one anymore. It was fucking shut.

ARGH !

I had to wait 2 hours to get tabacco.

I’m getting ready now to give up. I don’t want to die, OMG ! Have I been on some journey’s with the death trip. I want to live and I want life. I want love and I want peace.

Do you know what my saving grace is here ;

I’ve never tried to give up smoking – NEVER. I have no association with not being able to ‘do it’. I’ve no assoication of failure in the giving up smoking world. I’ve never tried to know that I can’t do it.

I have no assoication with ‘CAN’T’. How fantastic is that. I’m holding on to that, that makes me feel quiet positive.

Anyway.. I took pictures of the sunrise this morning. It was so nice to be outside.

( My friend gave me a camera, as I’d lost mine in Switzerland in Jaunary ) I’ve not had a camera all year nor an I pod. My son gave me his I pod last week. Aww !!

WHOO HOO !! How nice is that. I love giving and I love recieving.

Time to give up smoking Diane.

Bring it on, thats what I say. I’m even prepared to go to Smokers Anonoymous.

I’ll be back to this post to explain about the Champex. I want to smoke now.

WoW!!

I sometimes end my writings with. ‘ I need to smoke ‘ I’ve never ever once ended my rambelings with ‘ I WANT to smoke’

Phew!!

I want and need a fucking fag now. Smiling.

PS. Sorry for all the fucks in this post. I’ve liked using the word.

Smiles and Smokes ( for a bit longer )
Di