Breathing and Blogging.

 

Writing and blogging.

The song which accompanies this post is a song which is new to me this morning. I have heard it a time or time but never listened to it until this morning as its just come on the internet radio station I sometimes listen to.

Its so beautiful, I love it, its called breath me. The words touch my soul. This song has just presentered itself to me, I think the faeries gave it to me as its so appropriate.

Anyway !!

Hi blog,

I’m going to talk about you again, hope you don’t mind I say hope you don’t mind as I have spoken about myself and my friends in such a personal way and sometimes I’ve worried if I’ve done the right thing, not for me no but for my friends – not all of them but some.

Some people don’t want to be talked about do they especially by me. I always think its okey to talk about friends, its acceptable if you talk through words of love and beauty – I do. I love sharing the love and sometimes the pains I have with friendships. Friendships are really important to me as they are for everyone.

I am personal with what I write about and this blog is where I can come and be personal if I want to be, sharing it with the world can be a bit wierd for me when I think about it but its what I’ve done, theres no going back.

I quess closing a blog is different for all of us,I quess depending on what the purpose of your blog was and is will dictate how you feel about closing it.My blog has been I’m thinking the second part or form of my recovery.

I’m scared about closing mine, but I feel I need to, and get on with the third bit of my recovery what ever that bit is going to be – Its exciting really but scary.

To be honest I’ve only truly worried about three people with my writing and sharing of pictures.

I worry a bit about my friend Annie who is my DJ friend as she doesn’t like having her picture taken and  I have put about eight or nine pictures of her here.Shes so beautiful though – how can I not, I just want to show her off thats all. She doesn’t think she looks beautiful on pictures OMG ! She is so beautiful, its funny what people think of themselves isn’t.

I worry about my friend who helped me so much in the beginning of my getting well from my addiction.I got clean on-line this time round, yes I know – wierd to. I’ve had to go back and delete some stuff, not for me but for her as I thought that maybe she wouldn’t like me to keep talking about her all the time.

I couldn’t stop talking about her and sharing how important she was to me and how much I loved her,shes so beautiful to, I would want to talk about her wouldn’t I, shes lovely and had such an inpact on me.

I worry sometimes about my daughter finding that I have put a couple of pictures of my grandson here. Me bad, but I just could not not show that little piece of treasure off.

I used to worry about my friends finding my blog and reading all my personal Sunrise & Paradise writing. I’ve been pretty raw at times and have spoken about some pretty heavy stuff here, stuff that my friends don’t know about.

My using and recovery srories I generally keep to myself. A lot of my friends don’t know half of what I’ve talked about here – well they do but not my insecure intense feelings.I’ve been in situations and have had experiences that my friends haven’t had. I’m the only one that got caught up in the life of addiction in the way I did. I’m the only one thats been in recovery to.

I’m totally okey with them reading about them and me now if they find Sunrise & Paradise before I close it.

I’ll probably write quiet a bit about the closing of my blog yes its been that important to me. I want to write about the people that I have met during my blog life and how finding them has changed my life in some areas, people that I’ve never met, wierd isn’t.

I met three women Nora Annie and Joan who I connected to – great women who became friends.

I’ve been writing here for eighteen months now, its been a tool that I have used to help me in some ways to stay clean and sane. Its been hard for me to understand why I have the need to write, I’ve been on the floor with my writing sometimes and on the ceiling others.My writing and the sharing of it has been a tool to help me stay clean. Its worked.

I quess I needed to be on my own for a while with my writing,I’ve not had that much interaction with people here on my blog, I can understand how come its worked out like that for me and as much as I get lonely with my writing and my blog, I think its worked out for the best.

Oh ! I want to cry.

Shit man trust me to have PMT the week up to closing my blog. Never mind.More to follow on blog closure. I’ve got two weeks to say everything I want to say here, why am I laughing,I was crying a minite ago. My blog closure is not the Death of Di. No far from it. I’m just putting myself on the third bit – what ever it is.

I’m not deleting as such because I’m upset or anything like that, I’ve been thinking about closing Sunrise & Paradise for a while now, over a year but couldn’t or didn’t want to change my comfort zones.

I don’t want to talk about my addiction and recoverys in my new blog. I’m not going to mention it. Thats great for me, its what I need to do. I sometimes feel judged but thats of my owm making I know.

Addiction doesn’t dominate me any-more nor does recovery – she says, just now and again.

Urmm !!

I don’t actually think I can keep my mouth shut though. It hurts me so to have had the experiences that I have had and the understandings that I have gained from them to not want to use them and try to make a difference somewhere.

I don’t want to be judged though its not nice but I quess thats life. We are all judged arn’t we, we judge ourselves. I always smile when I hear people say ‘ I don’t judge’ just saying that is a judgement in itself.

Love

Di

Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful.

Buddha